…the sound the shattered vase made kept replaying in my ears.
My father, who at this point was standing directly above me with his hand
raised to slap me stopped in mid-air, looked at the pieces on the ground and
for about 5 seconds the entire room was as silent as a graveyard. Even my mum
was too scared to utter a word. At this point, I know you are wondering why the
drama? Well you see, my dad, Mr. Okoparoko or Officer Roko as his former
colleagues called him back in the days is a retired army officer, a renowned
disciplinarian and a lover of artifacts, especially those that have personal
meaning such as this.
Years back, my mum suggested selling the vase to a friend who
indicated interest and my dad ended up making her understand that selling or
disposing off the vase is tantamount to locking up the kitchen door and
throwing away the key and this was the same vase I JUST BROKE!!!!!!
The silence in the room was broken by my junior brother,
Oghenero(Nero) who was awoken by the noise the vase made and rushed to the
sitting-room.
NERO: Bros Ovie(with mouth wide open),
you dun die today.
MAMA: Nero you no go super glue this your basket mouth
My father simply turned and headed straight into his room.
ME: Mama abeg help me go beg papa for inside room.
MAMA: Ovie, this market wey you just use your hand buy so, na still you go use your hand pack am o.
NERO: Bros if na me be you ehn, I go jejely enter house go pack like 4 jeans wear because after papa finish with you, your body go rough pass new tyre own.
Hearing these funny but really true words from Nero, I dashed straight into my room to do as he advised while my mum went into dad’s room I guess to go calm the situation about to unfold…………………or so I thought.
While putting on my 5th pair of jean trouser,
having worn an equal amount of over-sized shirts, I heard this rumbling of
thunder that sounded like someone calling my name
PAPA: OVIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
With my heart beating as fast as ever, I dashed out of the room, tripped and fell. I didn’t even care about the fall, I picked myself up, buckled up well and rushed to my seemingly gruesome execution and got to my father’s presence before he had a need to shout my name once again
ME: Yes papa
Right in my front was my father.. or should I say Officer Roko because my dad was dressed in what you would term “an army combatant uniform”. A green beret, a green round neck shirt and an army green trouser. Placed on the table were some “items of yansh destruction”. A thin wooden cane, a horse whip(koboko), my new leather belt and a plastic hanger. Soliloquizing quietly in a rhetorical manner, I simply asked, “which 20 year old youth still gets this treatment from his parents?” As if that isn’t enough, my new belt may end up getting defaced permanently.
PAPA: Ovie, you see as I dress so, today I dey ready to treat you like enemy combatant.
MAMA: Papa Ovie, my pikin no be enemy combat abeg. If you dey miss war, go unresign for Nigerian Army.
PAPA: Woman!! What did you just say?
MAMA: Ermm… No o, I just say make you beat am small small.
PAPA: Ovie, you finished secondary school at 17 and at 20, you are still struggling to gain admission into the University. Instead of you to make yourself useful in the Church Choir you joined so that at least, Bros Jesus go pity you slap you with sense to take pass JAMB exam, you go give girl belle then you carry yourself by yourself go scatter my precious flower vase. Oghene!!!!!!!
NERO: Papa make I help you lock door?
MAMA: Nero no torsh(touch) that door.
ME: Papa actually on all the aforementioned occasions, I passed the exam. Its just the post UTME that I am yet to finally divide and conquer.
PAPA: All this your big big grammar wey you dey rake so, why you still dey house na? Divide and conquer abi, you see this your body wey swell like garri wey dem soak, after I enter you divide you finish, you go slim pass Buhari.
ME: Papa please, I beg you sir. Even the Bible that you said we should all follow says we should forgive and forget.
PAPA: Same Bible said “spare the rod and spoil the child”.
NERO: Papa Ogaga rod still dey outside, make I go bring am?
PAPA: Nero there is no need. Infact, I have another job for you(picking a branch of the flower that fell from the vase and looking at me), you shall make sure this branch doesn’t fall from his mouth. Ovie, lie down flat on the floor with this branch in your mouth. If it falls down while I am beating the devil out of you, I shall start again.
With the speed of light, Nero assumed position, waiting for the “goat” about to be slaughtered. Having complete confidence in my “protective gear”, I took position on the floor with the branch clenched between my teeth, awaiting my fate.
Officer Roko descended on my derriere. Initially, the gear did a very perfect job of cushioning the effect of this savagery so much so that I felt little or no pain but having realized that I was the seeming victor in this round, Officer Roko stopped for a brief moment. Wondering what was wrong, I turned and saw he had dropped the cane and picked the koboko instead and said “your back is finished this boy”. At this point, my mum came to my rescue.
MAMA: (Holding the whip)Roko you go kill me today before you kill this pikin.
ME: (Jumping up and faking a cry) Papa please I am sorry!!!!
NERO: Papa the flower dey torsh(touch) ground o.
PAPA: Mama Ovie, the man who dares the gods should be ready to endure whenever the gods decide to strike.
MAMA: Roko shey na you be the gods abi? When you turn deity Roko?
While this struggle between my mum and dad for the whip persisted with me pleading and Nero watching this unique scene unfold, a very close friend of mine Ogehenerukevwe (Rukevwe) rushes into our home with full force.
RUKEVWE: Who them be!!!! Them no reash (reach)!!!!!!!!!!!!
The initial force with which Rukevwe rushed in made a whole Officer Roko run into the room for safety, closely followed by his darling wife, my mum. Nero and I found safety on the ground as we both dived to the floor with immediate alacrity.
RUKEVWE: Shuo!!!! Wetin make all of una dissharge(discharge) so?
PAPA: (from inside his bedroom)Rukevwe, which boys dey chase you so?
RUKEVWE: Boys keh? As as how na. Wait, papa na why you blow comot like mess?
PAPA: (Still from within) My boy will you keep quiet there. What I just did now is called “Retreating in order to frontally attack” in the military.
RUKEVWE: Papa leave that matter. See, na better news carry me come here.
At this point, I jumped up in anger
ME: Rukevwe why you dey always behave like who just comot rehab?
PAPA: (stepping out from his room with mum behind) Rukevwe don’t you have home training? Are you not aware that…
RUKEVWE: Paleh see leave all this English because this year, them no reash. My admission dun pure so oh. I just sheck(check) am now now. Straight to UNILAG.
PAPA: Talk true? So Rukevwe with this your head wey be like 4 corner block, you dun finally enter school?
RUKEVWE: Paleh na so we see am. Based on as how I take good, na one long course them knack gimme.
Looking at the joy on the faces of my Parents, i only wished this joy was all because of me, not this stubborn Rukevwe boy.
PAPA: What course is that?
RUKEVWE: Only me dey study 4 things inside the 4 years. 1 course per year.
PAPA: (Looking confused) what course this boy?
RUKEVWE: Electrical/Electronics Engineering Education.
PAPA: Engineering!!!Ruki na oryel (oil)
worker you go be so oh.
ME: Papa see na education. Na teash(teach) Rukevwe go dey teash ‘upandan’ (up and down)
RUKEVWE: See this bad belle oh(pointing towards me).
PAPA: Ovie don’t you have shame? Instead of you to rejoice with your friend who has finally decided to advance in life, you are busy finding faults. Na so you take find fault go give girl belle
RUKEVWE: Belle!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ovie who carry belle? Lilian? Ngozi? Tessy? Faith?
PAPA: Ooh, so Ovie, you have more than 1 girl you follow.
Papa picks up the koboko again to continue
MAMA: Roko abeg make you wait small. Ovie seff write this UNILAG post-UTME.
Make the boy go ‘sheck’ before you go kill am
ME: Yes papa, please allow me to go check the result at the computer centre.
PAPA: Ovie I don’t trust you. Rukevwe please you would help me check the result and print it out. How much would that cost?
RUKEVWE: Papa I suppose go somewhere oh but based on how Ovie take close to me, just gimme N3000
ME: Ahh!!!!! Papa its not up to that oh
PAPA: Mr. man will you keep quiet, successful men are discussing here
PAPA: (Tapping Rukevwe on the back) collect this N1000, go check the result, carry my change come back
RUKEVWE: (Putting the money in his pocket) paleh this one no ‘reash’ oh
PAPA: Is that so? Alright, return my money
RUKEVWE: E never ‘reash’ that one na. Half bread better pass puff puff. Make Nero gimme Ovie login details.
Having described where I placed my slip in the room and Nero goes in to get it, gives it to Rukevwe and he heads to the computer centre. Exhausted from all the brouhaha, I decided to rest my behind on a seat as the entire family awaited the return of Rukevwe
PAPA: What are you trying to do?
MAMA: If your ‘yansh’ ‘torsh’ that chair you go see fire today
PAPA: Boy come here and ‘pick pin’ till your friend returns.
I stood there exhausted, speechless and thirsty but still obeyed them.
Seeing that they were both engrossed in a conversation about
how Rukevwe has suddenly become the ‘model’ son, I moved close to the wall,
used it as support while awaiting the return of Rukevwe.
Catch the next episode of this adventure next week Friday.
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loooool..i hope he passes...
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